honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Randomize
