i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
