your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
