why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
