Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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