i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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