I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
