It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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