why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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