I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
