I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
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