I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
