dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
