Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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