i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
