somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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