One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
