Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
