I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
