Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
