I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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