from now on my penis is your penis
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
