Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
