Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
