So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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