I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
