I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
