textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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