I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
