No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
