why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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