My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
