I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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