she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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