My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
