Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
