I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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