he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
