...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
