Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
