I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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