I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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