We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
