hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
