When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
