I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just found puke in my bra..
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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