How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
