I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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