If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
