a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
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Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
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Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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