What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
