Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
