two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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