My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize