Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
