I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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