All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
