Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
