I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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