careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
