The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
