Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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