i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
