It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
